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National News
Mark Carney Spends Hundreds of Dollars on Private Exercise Classes
Ottawa, ON - It’s been revealed through F.O.I. requests and collaborated with multiple witnesses that Mark Carney has been using taxpayer dollars to attend a curated exercise program.
Eye witnesses report seeing Carney in various exercise studios across Ottawa getting instruction, and practicing some sort of arm exercise. We were able to reach him for comment:
“So, to be clear, I’m not doing this to lose weight. My weight is actually well-managed unlike some other leaders in the world, who I can’t talk about because I am scared of tariffs going up. It’s really all about Elbows up.”
Mr. Carney went on at some length describing the challenges or raising his elbows.
“It’s a lot harder than it looks. Especially if you are doing it multiple times a day. It’s a serious workout. To be honest, I tried to cut some corners, I only put my elbows a little way up, thinking I could get away with it, but those sons-of-bitches called me out on it. They started calling it ‘elbows slightly up’. We considered a rebrand, but it just didn’t sound as defiant.”
Asked if he was making progress, the Prime Minister has this to say: “A little, but my arms get so sore. I keep reflecting back on it, and wondering, why I didn’t make our slogan ‘heads up’ or maybe ‘shoes on’. My life would have been so much easier.”
Another Conservative MP Crosses the Floor to the Liberals
Ottawa, ON - A young Conservative MP made headlines today as he crossed the floor to the Liberal party. This follows closely on the heels of one Conservative MP Chris D’Entremont switching to the Liberals and fellow Conservative Matt Jenerous retiring from politics altogether.
Eric Melillo of Kenora crossed over to the Liberal side, starting a panic among Conservatives, concerned that the Liberal minority might soon become a Liberal majority.
“I started crossing and everyone on the Conservative side starts giving me death-stares. And I’m like what’s going on here? Mr. Poilievre looked like he wanted to eat my eyeballs for breakfast. I didn’t really understand why everyone was freaking out”
It turns out that Mr. Melillo was only ‘crossing the floor, because he forgot to bring his lunch, and was going to ask to borrow lunch money from a Liberal MP.
“I had it in my backpack, and then I just totally forgot it. Total brainfart. Sucks cuz I had Hostess snack cakes in there and everything. I probably should have asked one of the Conservatives, but they always want to work out interest rates and a repayment plan when I ask them.”
Asked if he learned anything from this experience: “Definitely. Next time I want to wait until the House of Commons isn’t in session. Also, in answer to Jenny Byrne’s question, in case she is reading this, "Yes, I would like to keep both of my testicles. ?
